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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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Walking through the gardens, I felt like I was in a fairy tale. Flowers everywhere, and the scent? OMG. But then, I saw this couple arguing. Like, full-on shouting. I was just trying to enjoy the roses, and there they were, throwing shade. I mean, come on, guys! Not the vibe!

Coastal Croatia for under £200 per night: From hidden coves to atmospheric old towns and sleepy fishing villag